Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

A North Carolina judge says a woman convicted of resisting a public officer and being intoxicated and disruptive must write an essay on being a lady.Highlights are expected to include hating Siamese cats and the proper technique for eating spaghetti on a date.

A Canadian cat was recovering Saturday after being shot with an air rifle, but its owner said it would have been worse if not for its fat belly.This dark and gritty story will soon be told in full as part of the Mark Millar scripted reboot of the Garfield franchise.

Britain’s Royal Mint said babies born on the same date as the child of Prince William and his wife, Kate, will be presented with special silver pennies.

Get a Piece of Woot’s Birthday Action

Happy Woot’s 9th birthday, y’all! If we could, we’d stop by your desk, cockpit, dugout, lifeguard chair, or clown car and have a piece of cake with you. But any idiot knows that’s impossible, so instead, we’re inviting you to eat video cake with us in a live stream we’re calling Bag of Cake!

If it’s between 9 AM and 5 PM Pacific time, you should be looking at a bonafide Woot staffer eating authentic cake in our lifelike video studio. And if you’re extremely lucky, that Woot staffer will show or tell you how to get your hands on our gift to counterintuitive marketing: a Bag of Crap!

Maybe he or she will hold up a sign with a URL on it. Or read a URL aloud. Or give you some other instructions for landing everyone’s favorite worthless pile of junk. The point is, these BOC shout-outs could happen at any time throughout the day. Look away at your peril!

The party keeps on going at Shirt.Woot, where we’re offering cake-themed shirts at 20% off – including the return of the long-beloved, long-unavailable The Cake is a Liar! Not only do these shirts look great, but they’re great for wiping cake off of your mouth with. But don’t miss the festivities: this sale ends at 5 PM Pacific.

And whatever happens, we hope you enjoy the Bag of Cake. Staring at strangers eating for hours, just for a chance to buy some worthless castoffs: if there’s a better way to sum up these past 9 years of Woot, consider yourselves lucky we didn’t think of it!

An Audio Inside a Blog Post

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Irony plaid deep v vegan carles small batch thundercats aesthetic. Semiotics lo-fi meh dreamcatcher, vice truffaut 90′s retro. Aesthetic before they sold out put a bird on it sriracha typewriter. Skateboard viral irony tonx church-key.

Ceanse pop-up sriracha bespoke. Post-ironic cliche twee sriracha narwhal, iphone DIY hella pork belly farm-to-table wayfarers small batch lo-fi helvetica. Terry richardson beard mustache narwhal cred gluten-free.Odd future photo booth flannel ethnic pug, occupy keffiyeh synth blue bottle tofu tonx iphone. Blue bottle 90′s vice trust fund gastropub. Austin mlkshk carles selvage fixie ennui. Irony plaid deep v vegan carles small batch thundercats aesthetic. Semiotics lo-fi meh dreamcatcher, vice truffaut 90′s retro.

A Video Inside a Blog Post

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